Michael Biehn (Creative Commons/Gage Skidmore)
Watching the Chicago Cubs 5-2 loss to the New York Mets last night reminded me of a scene from the classic western, Tombstone. The scene takes place after Morgan Earp has been murdered and Virgil has been severely injured. The Earps are leaving town and as they leave, they have a brief exchange with Curly Bill Broccius, aka Powers Boothe and Johnny Ringo/Michael Biehn.
Ringo watches the procession and then says to Curly Bill, “Smell that, Bill? Smells like someone died. Actually something. The Cubs 2024 season. When the autopsy of the season is complete, what will the findings be? I suspect the report will look something like this:
Official Cause of Death: Management Apathy
The patient had been struggling to breathe for some time, but management refused to seek treatment, instead thinking the patient would get better on their own. The patient had been suffering from neglect for some time. Last year the patient was in desperate need of bullpen help, but the guardians of the team opted to get a placebo named Jose Cuas.
Before this season began, vitamins and supplements in the form of J.D. Martinez, Matt Chapman and Jordan Montgomery were available, but were considered too cost prohibitive. Instead, the guardians of the season relied on an additional dose of Vitamin Cody Bellinger. Unfortunately, vitamin Bellinger lost some potency over the winter.
Fans of the victim suffered throughout the agonizing death
The symptoms were terrible to watch. They included clotting of the bases and choking on late inning leads. Many times the team had runners in scoring position but were unable to find an anticoagulant in the form of a key base hit.
And on so many other occasions the team had a lead and choked on it.
Perhaps the hardest thing for fans to accept was the guardians of the season sat back and did nothing. We will never know what would have happened if something was at least tried. The Himelick maneuver, a swift kick in the butt, anything might have roused the patient. But it didn’t happen.
Instead, the patient slid quietly into the night.
And to top things off, look for the guardians of the season to sell off organs.
