Von Miller, when he hears people actually believe "you smelt it, you dealt it" (Dustin Bradford/Getty Images North America/Getty Images ).
Do you ever find like-minded people who view the world as creatively as you do? It’s not often that I see fellow sports media who understand me quite like the writers who put together yourteamcheats.com do. Although they did not include the unique taxing system we are writing about today, they did tune me in on the teams with the most disciplinary faux pas.
Spoiler alert: The Denver Broncos are our naughtiest franchise. Who’s our most morally upright team? The Arizona Cardinals. Although I was a bit taken aback by the findings (I would never call the Your Team Cheats team into question, though), the Cardinals do always seem to keep their noses clean.
While examining the scandals in the Denver Broncos locker room, I grew depressed. Somehow, I was under the impression that Von Miller was a sweet, family-oriented man. I had never heard about him pissing the bed when it came to urine tests and PEDs. As it turns out, that was one of many scandals in Miller’s background.
The topic seemed a bit dark for Wild Card Weekend (even for me). So instead, we are going to go into one of the most unique fining systems in the league to date. Instead, let’s talk tax—fart tax. If you think this might be one of my more far-fetched articles, you would be wrong. Check out my other works of art here.
Pay Up, Gas Passers!
According to Lore (Von Miller and DeMarcus Ware), there was (is) a Denver Broncos fart tax as of 2015. Whether it’s true or not is up to you to decide. A sports reporter claims it is a false rumor. To which I say, were you in the room?
They probably wouldn’t want to have been in that room. Allegedly, Von Miller’s diet change at the time of more leafy greens had left him feeling a little bloated.
The linebacker was quoted as saying:
“They can’t fine me if I get up and walk away. It’s NOT healthy. I keep trying to tell them it’s not healthy if I just sit there and hold it in. Nobody in the world does that. I just do it more than the average person.“
As the Washington Post pointed out, this could be an advantage for Von on the field, as any fart that’s bad enough for a fine would likely leave an opponent stopped in their tracks.
Tax Enforcement
I hate to blow the whistle on passing wind, but I do have a few questions regarding tax enforcement.
Were people audibly passing gas in the meeting often enough to require the tax? How does one identify the guilty partner if it is silent but deadly? What if no one can identify the guilty gas-giver?
Von Miller’s comment about getting up also had me questioning a few things. Are people not allowed to get up? Is the number of times you get up counted? How does one determine when someone has gotten up to fart versus another reason?
I’m not counting on the Denver Broncos locker room opening up about their flatulence program. Von Miller is probably a bit busy with his… affairs right now to clear up my questions.
Hopefully his body is used to the veggies by now, and he’s at least cleared the air around him. We haven’t heard that the Buffalo Bills have needed to institute their own flatulence tax. And they tend to be more transparent about locker room goings-on.
Whoever drops the information we desperately need should get a tax credit.
