Photo courtesy of the New England Patriots.
We left off the Pro Bowl part 1 of this series, struggling to describe The Big Spike in my typical, eloquent fashion. We also went over Passing the Test and Satisfying Catches. Things got a bit harder as the skill show went on – It’s hard for me to concentrate longer than five minutes, people. I have the important details, but I may not have everything word for word. You can watch it here in its full glory if you would like! That being said, I did put all of my brain cells to work for this, so let’s get into part 2!
The Pro Bowl’s New Game, Helmet Harmony
We move our way into a new Pro Bowl game called Helmet Harmony. It absolutely had a game show energy with Terry Crews on the 1s and 2s. You can watch the segment that YouTube provided here. There are three rounds. Two men from the AFC and NFC compete each time and are asked at least two questions. One teammate is asked the question about the other person, and both answer it. If their answers are the same, they get a point.
Round 1
Miles Killebrew and Cam Heyward are team AFC. Brian O’Neill and Jonathan Greenard are repping for the NFC. The first question is “What Is Your Hidden Talent?” Greenard gets the correct answer about O’Neill saying “Basketball.” The AFC is not on the same page as Killebrew, who suggests juggling is Heyward’s talent, while Cam prefers pointing out his card skills.
The next question is Heyward answering the question about Killebrew and O’Neill’s guesses about Greenard. The question is, “What State Are You From?” Greenard worries us all when he asks if he has to get the spelling correct. The American education system is called into question. Thankfully, he does know how to spell his own state of Delaware, and O’Neill does too. The AFC also gets the question right—Killebrew is from PA.
The last question is “Who Is The Biggest Trash Talker In The Locker Room?” which is something the men have to agree on. Killebrew’s eyes are moving back and forth faster than a teen girl rolling her eyes trying to answer the question. The Pittsburgh Steelers need more teammate time. Once again the Minnesota Vikings are on the same page, agreeing the answer is Jihad Ward or “Joddy” for short. Both AFC gents agree that Heyward is the biggest trash talker in the locker room.
The NFC takes this round 3-2.
Round 2
This is a good time to point out how fast they flash the names of the contestants and the questions, like no one recaps this event or something. The first question is, “What Is Your Least Favorite City To Play In?” Xavier McKinney and Rashan Gary from the Green Bay Packers are repping for the NFC and the Buffalo Bills Dion Dawkins and Connor McGovern. Once again the NFC chemistry is obvious, while the AFC looks like they would text each other “who dis?”
The AFC answer first, and McKinney says he dislikes Washington the most, with Dawkins guessing KC, referring to their recent defeat against the refs there. Terry Crews probably correctly assumes Connor is not a Swiftie. The NFC is on the same page with both answering Chicago. What did the windy city do to y’all? Rashan Gary reminds us what they did while waxing philosophical.
The following question is, “What Other Position You Would Play?” Dawkins has McGovern guessing this time, with Gary putting McKinney to the test. The GB defensive end would also be okay with being an RB, which Xavier guesses. Crews roasts the Packers by saying there is nothing else to do in Green Bay besides getting to know each other, which is too real. Dawkins would switch from tackle to left guard, which McGovern already knows. There’s not much to do in Buffalo either. We also learn Dawkins needs a penmanship class because god only knows what’s on his board in any of these rounds. I couldn’t even tell if they got it right; Crews had to tell me.
Last but not least, the final question is “Who Is Your Coach’s Favorite Player?” Both members of the AFC agree that it’s Dion Dawkins—with extra apparent nicknames and sound effects. Dawkin’s nickname is “big shnow,” which he has tattooed on his chest. Which has the rest of us, including Rashon and Xavier, asking “WTF” in our minds. The NFC is on the same page as well, identifying that Jordan Love, or “J Love,” is the apple of their coach’s eye.
We head into round 3 with the NFC leading 6-4.
Round 3
Thankfully, round 3 was a little shorter because this game is impossible to keep up with on paper. The first question is “What Is Your Nickname?” Marlon Humphrey and Kyle Hamilton of the Baltimore Ravens have actual chemistry for the first time for the conference. Vita Vea and Tristan Wirfs of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are the NFC crew.
We discover that both NFC men know that the master encroacher’s nickname is “Big V.” The AFC also knows Kyle Hamilton is called K-Ham.
The last question is painfully long: “Which Teammate Do You Want By Your Side in a Zombie Apocalypse?” The AFC is not on the same page with Marlon picking Roquan and Kyle picking Ben Cleveland. Humphrey doesn’t know who Cleveland is, like the rest of us. Kyle Hamilton frustrates us on and off the field equally. We don’t see the NFC’s answer.
The round is over with a score of 8-6, and the NFC takes this win too. It’s 9-3 on the overall Pro Bowl scoreboard.
Relay Race
We zoom in on the Pro Bowl relay race. The men just have to run up and down a room with a handoff of the baton on either side. How hard can this be? That’s one of those questions you don’t ask because you don’t want the answer to it.
Eli is ever-encouraging, giving his crew a pep talk. He says the players have worked on handoffs and exchanges all week, so they’re good to go. Peyton feels similarly confident, referencing the rivalry between him and Eli, which becomes relevant during the game. In this challenge, each team gets one point when they win a race. There are three total.
Ready, Set, Pro Bowl
For the first race, we have Patrick Ricard, Brian Thomas Jr., Pat Surtain II, and Jonathan Taylor on Team AFC. For the NFC, we have Jahmyr Gibbs, Micah Parsons, Budda Baker, and Jaxon Smith-Njigba. BTW, someone help that sportscaster with Jaxon’s last name, because that’s not one you want to get wrong.
The NFC steals the win after Surtain bobbled the handoff to Taylor, leaving Gibbs to run it home.
Another Round
In this round we point out the brotherly rivalry between the Bosa brothers, who are also competing against each other. Along with Joey in the AFC, we have Denzel Ward, Mims Jr., and Minkah Fitzpatrick. In the NFC we have Nick, Devon Witherspoon, KhaDarel Hodge, and KaVontae Turpin. This announcer is tripping over names, butchering KhaDarel’s name like she’s never seen it before.
The AFC takes the second round with a bungled pass between what appears to be Parsons and Witherspoon. Even though the loss was brutal, it still wasn’t as bad as seeing the Bosa brothers do some weird ankle walk that made my hammies hurt. Apparently Joey was feeling a little tight, and Nick wanted to look elderly too.
The Third Round
Can we have a round without someone bobbling a pass? No. For the AFC, we have Jerry Jeudy, Kyle Van Noy, Derwin James Jr., and Nik Bonitto. In the NFC we have Malik Nabers, Andrew Van Ginkel, Byron Murphy Jr., and Jared Verse.
A few notes from this round include Jeudy fumbling the baton to Van Noy, Derwin James Jr. running with a passion even though he knew he couldn’t win, and Malik Nabers running like a bat out of hell.
The NFC won the third and the first round, and the AFC won the second. We are at 11-4 in the NFC’s favor as we head into the final skills show event on Thursday.
Dodgeball
Do we even have a skills show without dodgeball? No. Each conference wins three points for a won round. Pre-game we see the sportscasters interview Baker Mayfield. They were talking during the game, but how many things is one person supposed to pay attention to at one time?
Some of the highlights of their conversation include the idea that Josh Jacobs should be the MVP due to his (assisted) trivia win. Mayfield says he would go “Purple Cobra” on people if he played dodgeball, which maybe makes sense to someone.
No QBs ever play the game, probably so they don’t bust up their throwing arm. Except for Lamar James that one time. Although Mayfield is considering adding the game to his off-season workouts. Baker gives Leonard Williams the vote of confidence as player of the game.
Pro Bowl It
In the first game, there are way too many people to record all of the names. In all of the games, that’s impossible. Just know you won’t see a quarterback up there. Baker is intuitive because Leonard was the last NFC player to be left out on the field. Isaac Seumalo (I think) caught Leonard’s ball, but Leonard caught one too. Things were getting spicy. Not too spicy for Brian Branch, though, because he got a dodgeball to the family jewels.
The Second, Final Dodgeball Game
Before we can get to the last game, we have to hear from Burrow. And a shot of all the Pro Bowl (blonde) cheerleaders—so many blondes. They got anyone else on the roster? Burrow was so boring my ears involuntarily closed. George Kittle brought all the personality to the game, though. He comes up ready with his tucked-in shirt, protecting his “nuggets,” and letting us know the men are practicing throwing balls at each other. How do Diddy parties show up in everything? Kittle also mentioned that Baltimore Raven Ronnie Stanley is looking at him like he wants to kill him. Stanley’s face didn’t change one bit when he got called out. Watch out, George.
In this round, Quenton Nelson was the last man standing for the AFC in this round. Burrow says big boys can’t throw the ball as far, which feels obvious and unnecessary to say. Needless to say, Nelson got knocked out of the game, and the NFC recovered a win after losing in the first round.
The night ended with the score being 14-7 with the NFC leading.
Final Manning Words
According to Eli, Budda Baker is the MVP of dodgeball. Eli then goes on to manifest a 3-peat for the NFC. He knows that more people are hanging on the edge of their seats to see if Eli Manning is going to get the 3-peat than the Kansas City Chiefs. We concur. It’s also pointed out that Peyton always loses everything but the flag football game, which our research team confirms (this author’s cat).
Peyton Manning was confident that they could win; he wanted to be down by seven points so the comeback was more glorious. He also says the NFC is way too cocky. For good reason? We shall see. At the end, we saw adorable things like Russell Wilson signing kids jerseys. The wholesomeness was overwhelming.
In Conclusion
Terry Crews energy kept Thursday night interesting. He is a wonderful host. Somebody better have tipped that man. Some of the Pro Bowl games were new; some we will likely never see again. Either way, fun was had by all. Per the usual, the NFC won the majority of the skills competition, giving them the edge on Sunday. Tune in for that recap soon!
