Creative Commons: texas_mustang
Back in the days when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I played little league baseball, infield chatter was a thing. For some reason our manager wanted us to do it. On occasion, we would try it, but our half-hearted attempts usually ended after a few pitches.
And what did that chatter consist of? Chants of, “Hey batter, batter, batter, swing!” And occasionally the batter would comply and rip a line shot that we would inevitably misplay. I don’t recall ever seeing a hitter swing at a bad pitch because of the power of our suggestion.
I also don’t ever recall seeing infield chatter on a major league level. It’s hard to imagine guys making $20 million a year hollering, “Hey batter, batter, batter swing!” Plus, I suspect that hitters might get annoyed at the chatter and complain to the union.
But what if MLB took a different approach? I’m talking about meaningful infield chatter. What if infield chatter consisted of stuff that would be genuinely distracting? Not only would it add a skill set to MLB, but it could also make chatter a meaningful part of the game.
It could also add a new position to MLB teams, team writers. A research staff could also be employed to delve into opponents’ personal lives so as to provide meaningful material for writers.
A sport combined with a roast
And think of the impact taking that position would have on fans! Even people who weren’t fans of baseball would watch just to hear the insults. MLB, come for the insults and stay for the baseball, or the other way round. It’s like a sport combined with a celebrity roast.
Of course, there would have to be boundaries. After all, foul language could be a deterrent to parents bringing their kids to the ballpark. But think of kids coming to the ballpark who loved the game but had no athletic talent. When they heard witty insults being hurled around it could give them hope that they too could be of the game.
It could also lead to a new coaching position, chatter choreographer. What chatter is used on what opponent? When do you use the chatter? Those are all things the chatter coordinator could help with. Now, what are some examples of potentially effective chatter? I’ll give some examples without using players’ names.
So here are some effective examples of infield chatter”
1: “Hey batter, batter, batter, your girlfriend’s test came back positive!”
2: “Hey batter, batter, batter, your fantasy football team stinks!”
3: “Hey batter, batter, batter, your team is underpaying you!
4: “Hey batter, batter, batter, your wife knows all about it!”
5: “Hey batter, batter, batter, Maury Povich is looking for you!”
6: “Hey batter, batter, batter, your agent says you’re a joke!”
7: “Hey batter, batter, batter, streaker!”
8: “We want a pitcher, not a PED user!”
9: “We want a pitcher, not a guy who needs somebody to pee into a cup for him.”
10: “We want a pitcher, not someone with a really strange rash.”
Ok, that last one was an updated version of, “we want a pitcher, not a belly itcher.”
That’s just generic chatter. Imagine if you customized it! Couple that with how thin-skinned so many athletes are.
Pay attention, MLB. I’m trying to save your game.
